1.Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make “housework” easier. For instance, a
blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you,
anything in a informercial. The only appliance allowed is a vibrator with all of the various speeds, slow, medium, and who needs a
man. Another wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can
at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

2.Any bulk cleaning supplies, “honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting.” “This Windex should last you a
while.” “I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner.” All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you
would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring
for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

3.Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against
you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a “night out with the boys.”

4.Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. “Honey, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought
you.” By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would
accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won’t be around for NEXT Christmas.

5.Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon
character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy
her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).

6.No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, a $10 whore, or your
dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7.Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off
that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.)
Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like
to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year’s party when she decides to show them off to your
buddies.

8.Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman’s clothing. Well, perhaps you
might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she’ll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling
under her breath, “were the hell would I
ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?” An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think
your golfing outfit
looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor
Day.

9.Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have
learned the correct response to “do these pants make me look fat.” If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn’t get it and
purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually
look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting
fit. She’ll certainly get a workout stretching to the oldies while stuffing dollar bills in his g-string. I’m not sure, but I think that alone
burns up 3,500 calories.

10.Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on “How not to be a Bitch Sunday through Saturday.”
These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up
in court of law.

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